


An Introspection

by JohnMyBeloved



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: 4x04, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Study, M/M, Possible mention of third personality, Spoilers for 4x04, Wishful Thinking, tyrelliot, tyrobot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 02:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21228323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnMyBeloved/pseuds/JohnMyBeloved
Summary: " By now the cold had started to seep into Tyrell’s bones, freezing his joints and numbing the feeling in his hands and feet. After walking through the forest for so long, knee deep in snow and with his $6,000 suit doing nothing to keep out the sharp wind, he had grown tired. "Set in the last minutes of Mr. Robot S4E4 (So spoilers ahead).A character study of Tyrell following the final events of the episode and a look into his feelings for Elliot.(Aka the inner dialogue missing from the episode and wishful thinking following THAT conclusion)





	An Introspection

By now the cold had started to seep into Tyrell’s bones, freezing his joints and numbing the feeling in his hands and feet. After walking through the forest for so long, knee deep in snow and with his $6,000 suit doing nothing to keep out the sharp wind, he had grown tired. And now, with a bullet lodged in his hip and scarlet dripping from his skin, staining his previously mentioned $6,000 suit, he felt like finally it was time to give up, like he had wished before. Before Elliot had talked him into living, before they found the dead stag, before he was shot by the Dark Army soldier.

  
He walked further up the road, deeper into the all-encompassing fog, into the thick white blanket that separated him from Elliot. He remembered the dog he had as a child back in Sweden, Jan- _or was it Johan_? - that he had been given by his father on one of his early birthdays. A big, white husky with bright intelligent blue eyes and a perpetually wagging tale and dog smile on his face. The dog had been his own little guardian angel; pulling him out from a frozen lake he had fallen into whilst skating alone, howling for help when he fell from a tree behind their house and broke his leg, curling up with him in bed whilst his father and mother screamed at each other so loud that it disturbed the birds outside his window. They had been together for years, until one day when Tyrell came home and his dog was no longer in his kennel- where he was left during the day whilst everyone was out at work or school- and by the nightfall, still hadn’t returned. For the next few nights, he had cried himself to sleep, waking up red eyed and watery nosed until his father told him no more. The harsh grunt of his father’s voice telling him that his companion had obviously taken himself off to die somewhere, somewhere deep in the forest, had rang in his ears like a bout of tinnitus.

  
Now here he was, the future CEO of E Corp, taking himself off into the forest to die. He wondered if this is what Johan- _or was it Jurgen_? – had felt when he had left his family to die in the dark, surrounded by snow and trees that seemed to stretch up all the way to the stars.

  
He could feel Elliot’s presence behind him, watching yet unable to act. He was wasting time, as he said, he needed to get to Darlene before the Dark Army did. So why was he still watching him, with that helpless and pained look in his eyes. He wanted to turn back and shake him, tell him to run and leave before the Dark Army found them, before he lost his chance to destroy White Rose. But he couldn’t. He knew that if he turned back, he’d lose the little self-restraint he had left and beg Elliot to save him. Well maybe not that, beg that is, but it would definitely be harder for him to leave again and knowingly walk into the open arms of death.

  
And Elliot didn’t need him. He had even said so himself, but yet he had still come back. He had still tried to persuade Tyrell to fight, to come back to the city and survive. Was Elliot feeling the pain he had felt himself when he had shot Elliot so long ago? Maybe not that long ago in actuality, but so much had happened since then, it was practically a lifetime ago. What would he have done if he hadn’t had the Fixer or Angela on speed dial? What would he have done if it were only he who could stop Elliot from bleeding out on that dirty concrete floor? The answer would’ve been that no matter what he would’ve done, there would be no doubt that Elliot would’ve died there and then. Now the roles were reversed, and nothing Elliot could do would save him. Perhaps it would prolong his life, but eventually, his life would end at the hands- or guns- of the Dark Army.

  
He wished that he had been able to tell Elliot how he felt, just one more time. He wished that before he had left, that he had rested his cold hands against Elliot’s cold face and for the last time, press their lips together. To feel him in his arms one more time. To feel his heartbeat so close to his own and to press his nose into the crook of Elliot’s neck, right into the patch of skin which was ticklish and cause a smile to break out across the hacker’s lips. His eyes would widen slightly, and a deep chuckle would rattle his chest and the vibrations would echo deep in Tyrell’s chest and wrap their grasp around Tyrell’s heart. He wanted to run his hands through Elliot’s hair and pull slightly in a way in which he knew would have him purring like a kitten. He wanted to feel Elliot’s calloused fingertips grip at his waist and pull him in closer, breathing in his overly expensive cologne that matched his overly expensive attire and overly expensive hair products. He knew that Elliot knew of his love for him, or perhaps not the whole of Elliot knew but at least a part of him did.

  
From the first time they met, when they had introduced themselves as_ Senior Vice President of Technology_ and _just a tech_, he had found himself in adoration of his big brown eyes, plain black hoodie and the wild look of intelligence and drive about him. The way he looked so quiet and timid, to utterly transform into a force of nature at the drop of a hat. The way he could become almost another person completely. At first it had been hard for him to reconcile the Elliot he knew, the Elliot that was forceful and unapologetic and strong and who knew what he wanted from Tyrell; and the Elliot that the rest of the world saw in the daylight, the Elliot who couldn’t look another person in the way, who would act distant and cold when he saw Tyrell outside of their hacking station, the Elliot that didn’t seem to understand how much he loved him.

  
When they had first kissed and slept together, on the night of Five/Nine, Elliot had told him to expect him to forget sometimes. Some times. Nowadays it seemed like his Elliot was no longer around, until today when he let go and shouted at the incessantly annoying assistant in the small shop they went into. It gave him a faint glimmer of the old Elliot, His Elliot, and for him, that was enough to have.

  
He didn’t know why he hadn’t kissed him goodbye. Maybe it was that he didn’t want Elliot to remember their last kiss to be a departing, dying kiss. Or maybe it was because Tyrell was no longer sure that it was what Elliot would want, either way he hadn’t but at least he knew that Elliot, no matter what Elliot it was, did care for him- no matter what he had proclaimed in his rant earlier on.

  
He touched his lips with the cold tips of his fingers as he stepped over a mound of snow, he tripped and landed on his knees with a heavy thud. The wet soaked straight into his trousers and his palms stung from the contact with the frozen ground. His wound lit up like a flare in his side and although he clenched his teeth, a spittle-soaked scream whistled into the night air.

  
This is what he deserved; he was sure of that. This was his punishment for all the evil deeds he had committed, all the wrongdoings. This was his punishment for cheating on Joanna with Elliot and then leaving her unprotected and vulnerable, leading to her murder; for all but abandoning his son; for murdering Sharon Knowles; for almost killing Elliot. This was the price to pay for his unquenchable thirst for power and control, the thirst that led him into the arms of F Society and the Dark Army. If only he had followed Joanna’s plan for corporate supremacy, none of this would’ve happened. He should’ve been a better father and husband, a better planner, a better man. If only he hadn’t let his dog, Jurgen- _no it was definitely Jens_\- die out in the cold alone like nothing more than a stray. If only he hadn’t met Elliot that day at AllSafe.

  
With a deep, steadying breath, he stood back up; eyes casting up from the undergrowth, his eyes caught the magenta illumination which lit up the trees in such a way that created Disney-esque shadows which grabbed out with claw-like talons. His eyes opened wide with wonder and a thought floated across his mind:

  
Maybe he’d live to give Elliot one last kiss. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this (if 'enjoyed' is even the right word?). I really hope that Sam Esmail really doesn't do me dirty and brings back Tyrell to allow him one kiss with HIS BOY. Anyways, let me know what you think in the comments x


End file.
